I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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