I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
