so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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