On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
