Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
