my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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