dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
