I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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