Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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