for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
