So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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