I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
40s are totally the cure
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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