So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Two words: blizzard sex
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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