Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
