I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
