i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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