Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
