Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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