He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
