I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
