im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
