Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
