i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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