Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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