My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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