i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
