we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
