Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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