When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
