Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
