I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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