Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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