and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
