found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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