i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize