cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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