I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
