Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
