my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
