some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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