I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
