You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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