the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
