I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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