Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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