uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
