You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
