I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
