i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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