We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What a dumb baby whore.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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