It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
my shit smells like andre
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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