My hand turned me down
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
