You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
