I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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