i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
