Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
