I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
