Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
