It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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