I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
