if you like me you must not know who I am
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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