when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
