I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
