Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
