dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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