Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
