why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
