Pants 0. Shit 1.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
