Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
