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Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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