her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize