there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
