apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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