my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
