My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
