Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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