Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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